On Celebrating 6 Years of OM’ing…

Yesterday was my 6 year OMiversary.  I learned and began a regular practice of Orgasmic Meditation on January 18th, 2009.

I’ve been thinking about my 6 years in this practice and who I am now compared to the guy who showed up to OneTaste in SF in October of 2008.

Some thoughts, at random:

– This is the longest I’ve done anything consistently in my whole life (except all the involuntary things like breathing and such)
– I’m still confronting, on a daily basis, many of the same things I was challenged by then.  The difference is, I am actually confronting them.  I freeze less, I isolate less, I am willing to cause messes and wreckage and then willing to come back and clean it up.  I come back to the tough spot over and over again, because I know that moving away from it will FOR SURE not help open it up.
– I am willing to be the cause of discomfort.  That means I am worried less about what you think of me and more focused on what my desire is.  It means I’m here to help people find their freedom in places where they are stuck and that shit is uncomfortable.
– I am a man.  For most of my life, I let my adolescent and my little one drive the car.  I gave up responsibility for most of my life, being knocked around by circumstance and what other people wanted.  These days, my adult drives (most of the time), and when I go unconscious and let the little one or the adolescent drive, I have created enough of a relationship with them to find out what happened.
– I am still a long way from having unconditional freedom (or freedom in all conditions).  And I have created a lot of freedom in my life where there was none previously.
– I still get fucked up (triggered by places where I do not have freedom), and go down into the abyss for long periods of time.  These days, long periods of time range from 2 to 12 hours.  When I was in my late 20’s long periods of time ranged from 3 to 18 months.
– I believe in God.  The thing that lives inside of me, that is connected to everything else, that shows me the way when I’m lost, that speaks, in an ever so quiet voice, the truth, that reminds me that I am not insignificant, nor am I more important.  That is God.  All of the rest is story, myth and ritual.
– I have a lot to give, and withholding it is damaging to me, and forcing it on people is damaging to them.
– Practice is not “The Work”.  Practice is keeping my insides clean and clear and solid so I can do the work.  The work is my willingness to be truthful with myself about who I am and how I’m showing up to my life.  It is my willingness to make small, significant changes and sustain them over time.  It is my willingness to hear people when they see something I don’t.  It is my willingness to take 100% responsibility.

All of this stems from my OM practice, as over these 6 years I have learned to hold and be present to larger and larger amounts of sensation.  Through that, circumstances and events and interactions that would have sent me out of my range, into my unconscious states and behavior, no longer have that effect.  Like any potent meditation or movement practice, the only requirement is that you do it.  And that means staying in practice when it brings up the discomfort of facing parts of ourselves that we don’t like.  It means leaning on community members when our reflex action is to withdraw, isolate, blame, criticize or some other separation behavior.

Ultimately what I have learned is that I love everyone a lot.  And then, finally, I am learning the best way to love myself, so that I stay alive enough to love you all.

photo credit: larryfishkorn via photopin cc